Love it or loath it, Christmas – or ‘the holidays’ as we have to call it now, thanks America! – is a dangerous time of year. Physically and emotionally, it can and probably will ruin you. And your bank account. But never fear, because there’s always a movie or two (or gajillion as the case may be) that can help you on your way to survival. But to save you from sitting through a thousand hours of Tim Allen films, here are the 8 dos and donts you need to know about:
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| 'I should stop getting drunk on Christmas Eve.' |
1 Don’t Visit the Family (4 Christmases)
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| But of course, the worst thing about this film is Vince Vaughan's perpetually constipated face. |
Christmas movies love showing us how facemeltingly awful families are. Especially in-laws. No casual visit to old ma and pa back home will go smoothly, and you'll almost certainly come away with a serious case of the 'hijinks.' While it normally ends up all okay in the end (it is crimbo after all) it's all way too much effort. Clearly, the first and most vital step towards holidays survival is to ignore the wretched outside world, lock yourself in your house and live the glorious hermit life till Spring emerges to save us all.
2 Do Embrace the Christmas spirit (Christmas Carol, Wonderful Life, Grinch)
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| Pictured: what actually happens if you eat cheese before bed. |
Christmas is a needy holiday. It has to be loved. It needs to be loved. And if you don’t reciprocate its gushy affections…holy Jesus help you. Nothing will stop Christmas getting the peace and goodwill high it needs, even if it means sending a hoard of temporally-inclined ghouls after an innocent (albeit mizerly) old man because he, y’know, was a bit of a grumpy bugger. So learn from poor old Scrooge and just accept Christmas spirit. It’s the easiest way to survive.
3 Don’t Stay Home Alone (…Home Alone)
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| I wonder what this guy would look like on testicle-melting steroids? |
If movies have taught us anything it's that, if you're aged 12 years or under and you're in your house alone at Christmas time, Joe Pesci WILL turn up to break all your stuff. The solution is simple: hire a servant to stay with you at all times throughout the festive period. That or wangle yourself a friend or three. Either way, you're going to need to work out how to weaponise Hot Wheels and Lego.
Don’t hang out with Arnold Schwarzenegger (Jingle All the Way)
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| ...oh. |
Jingle All the Way is a film with innumerable layers of nuance and depth. Yeah, ostensibly it’s just Arnie gurning his way through a weirdly racially insensitive family friendly Christmas flick. But aren’t we really watching the workingman’s struggle against the society that damns him so? Aren’t we all, deep down, battling Sinbad for our own Turbo Man doll?
Well, either that or it’s a PSA against the seasonal dangers of all things Schwarzenegger. Seriously, all the dude has to do is buy a doll and he somehow ends up wrestling a team of crime-lord Santas. Truly, if you want to survive the holidays, stay well away from the Governator.
Well, either that or it’s a PSA against the seasonal dangers of all things Schwarzenegger. Seriously, all the dude has to do is buy a doll and he somehow ends up wrestling a team of crime-lord Santas. Truly, if you want to survive the holidays, stay well away from the Governator.
4 Do be friends with Zooey Deschanel (Elf)
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| Imagine if Elf and Anchorman were on the same timeline. Weird right? |
Zooey Deschanel is cool. She's also kinda annoying. But as Will Ferrel found out in Elf she's always down for a sing-a-long in the shower. And we should all be so lucky. The message of the film boils down to 'being friends with Zooey Deschanel means you'll one day get to shake Santa's pudgy hand and/or realise your true destiny.'
Frankly, is there any better way to survive the holidays that to befriend the big-daddy himself?
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6 Do be That Kid From Matilda (Miracle on 34th St.)
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| In the 90s, everything was kinda weird and blurry looking. |
You know the one, she was randomly super-mega-famous in the early 90s then disappeared into the netherworld, appearing only to write Cracked articles about the horrors of childhood acting. Ah, Hollywood.
Seriously though, not only did this child get to meet Santa, she got to save his jelly ass. The only thing better than being best buds with the big man, is to have him in your debt.
Seriously though, not only did this child get to meet Santa, she got to save his jelly ass. The only thing better than being best buds with the big man, is to have him in your debt.
7 Don’t go to Finland (Rare Exports)
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| 'Kids, meet your uncle McPokesyouwhenyousleep.' |
Ever wondered what Santa would be like if he was actually a part of a feral Scandinavian species of child-snatching murder beasties? No? Well, Rare Exports tells you anyway…and there’s literally no better warning against ever going to Finland. Ever.
8 Do Wear a White Vest (Die Hard)
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| A lighter and a bloody brow? Feels like Christmas to me. |
Do you want to look cool 20 years ago? Do you want to kick Alan Rickman's ass? Do you want to live forever? Then you should probably wear a white vest. Die Hard teaches us that Christmas is more fun when there are German terrorists to murder. It also teaches us that there is no defence greater than the white vest. So if you truly want to survive the holiday season, there's only one thing to do: get yourself a white vest from your local Primark, pick up a couple of AK47s and welcome the new year with raucous 'yipee-ki-yay motherf****r'.
P.S.
Don’t be Brian (Life of Brian)
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| Exactly. |
Or better yet: don’t be born at all. If Christmas day is around the corner, just hang on in that cozy
womb of yours and wait till one of those obscure days between Crimbo and New Years that kind of
bleed into one long hangover.
Poor Brian, he was never the Messiah…just a very naughty boy.
* * * * *
This 'article' was originally published in the wonderful Uni2Know magazine, which is kind enough to
play host to some of my hopeless word vomit. They're heroes every one, and you should check out the
most recent issue here:
Or, if you're in a 'specific' sort of mood, check out the original iteration of this verbal splooge here
(complete with professional formatting and pictures and stuff):
As a final note, You see that little button down there, it's kind of blue and says 'like'? It's really fun to click, honest it is. Apparently, if you enjoy reading something and click on it magical things happen. Guess there's only one way to find out...
Also, be crazy and follow @Smariman. We're all friends here
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