2013 is nearly at an end meaning that, in a desperate attempt to pander to conformity, the whole ‘summary’ thing is in order. Every publication does it, it’s the cool thing to do, so let’s pretend for a second that this post will travel further than my front doorstep, get lost in the warm embrace of lists, bests and worsts, and cast a judgmental eye over the cinematic year, celebrating or condemning the work of people considerably more talented than I could ever hope to be.
Quick disclaimer, for the sake of fairness and our old oft-abused friend logic, I will only be including the films that I’ve seen this year, 99% of which have been reviewed on this here very blog. Many thanks.
Where best to start than with the list most likely to piss people off. Happy holidays everyone!
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| Imaginative, no? |
Top 10 2013
10: Filth
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| How the average man reacts to a cold cider. |
Filth is ridiculous. It’s beyond moral reprehensibility, it’s disgusting, perverted, monstrous and generally humanely awful. It’s also goddam hilarious and proof that James McAvoy is loveable regardless of what he does. (Review here.)
9: This is the End
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| It doesn't matter who you are, you'll always have Harry Potter questions. |
In what’s proved to be a bumper year for big comedies, This is the End can rule proudly as the best of the bunch. It’s juvenile, asinine, moronic beyond description, but it’s also riotous in its honest stupidity. This is a film that’ll make you laugh at Satan’s titanic, smouldering, erect penis. And if that doesn’t deserve recognition, what does? (Review here.)
8: Saving Mr. Banks
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| A piece of art titled: 'The Atlantic Divide' |
Ostensibly a weepy drama with the dial turned fully to flaccid platitudes, it’s actually the funniest film of the year. Emma Thompson is outstanding as the prim and proper Mrs. Travers, never failing to draw a laugh with her rampant Britishness, and together with Tom Hanks’ Walt Disney gives this film about the genesis of Mary Poppins a tangible, touching heart. (Review here.)
7: Pacific Rim
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| How small boys envisage the world. |
Big dumb fun. That’s Pacific Rim. A film about Power Ranger Megazords beating seven shades of crap out of Godzilla’s extended family could never be anything else. Engage with it on its own level of anarchic energy, where bigger is never big enough, and there aren’t many films as plainly entertaining this year. (Review here.)
6: Only God Forgives
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| Robocop gets all romantic. |
The most divisive film of the year, making it on to as many ‘Best of’ lists as it has ‘’Worst of’. It’s a film where it’s easy to understand the hate, and yet a film that weaves an almost transcendental spell, where the narrative can mean either everything or nothing, where the characters can be deeper than the ocean or as a vacuous as a teaspoon. The hyper-violence is unsettling, but the film itself is a beautiful tale of revenge. Probably. One for the annuls and many a heated discussion. (Review here.)
5: Captain Phillips
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| He was sick of pantomimes, and just wouldn't look behind him. |
‘Man stuck on a boat for a bit’ doesn’t obviously equate to prime thriller material, but with director Paul Greengrass and star man Tom Hanks back at the top of his thespian game, Captain Phillips is a triumph. It’s an actioner that surpasses genre restrictions and expectations into far more poignant territory, and one everyone should see. (Review here.)
4: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
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| The red carpet has changed. |
It’s The Empire Strikes Back for the YA generation. There, it had to be said. Rarely does a sequel hit the mark as sweetly as Catching Fire, managing to go bigger and darker (as sequels invariably must) without losing its own sense of identity and relevance, all helmed masterfully by the imperious Jennifer Lawrence who can do no wrong at the moment. (Review here.)
3: Django Unchained
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| Hollister leaks their new style range. |
It released (in Britain at least) right at the start of the year and was in danger of being forgotten about. But Quentin Tarantino does nothing if not make memorable films, and his Western opera (one the films that kick started the new trend of brutal depictions of slavery) ranks as one of his best. Anarchically entertaining, it’s one of those ‘whole package’ sort of deals, where the story is only bettered by the music, which is only bettered by the cast, which is only bettered by the script and so on ad nauseum. Ruling supreme at the top however is the indomitable Christoph Waltz who continues to prove himself as one of the most talented actors in the business. (Review here.)
2: Rush
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| A secret romance? |
Chuck Thor in an F1 car and what do you get? One of the best films of the year as it turns out. Ron Howard gives a directorial master-class in this timeless tale of rivalry set in the heady, sultry world of 1970s F1 racing. The images are glorious, the action tense and breathtaking but Rush is best commended for its central Duo, Chris Hemsworth and Daniel Bruhl, who breathe new life into a tired tried-and-tested trope. (Review here.)
1: Gravity
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| Nobody had the heart to tell them there was nothing left to hammer. |
Not just my film of the year, but one of my favourite films of all time. Gravitydoes everything right, to the point where even its weaker elements make sense and fit diegetically. It’s pacing perfection, the most intense 90 minutes of cinema yet projected on to a screen. It’s also beautiful beyond words, both visually and musically, held together by a breathtaking central performance by Sandra Bullock. It not only broke the box office, it veritably changed the filmmaking game, with entirely new processes and techniques crafted together to make it. And most significantly of all, in a year that’s boasted a record number of sequels and franchise films, it’s a brand new IP. Bravo. (Review here.)
And next up, the worst films of 2013! Otherwise known as the list everyone prefers but won’t admit to for fear of looking like a bitter jerk. But it’s okay, bask in the hate, my friends! It’s what keeps us all together.
Bottom 10 2013
10: Olympus Has Fallen
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| Geddit? They're falling! |
To be honest, Olympus Has Fallen is very likely not one of the actual worst films of year, it just happens to be one of the weakest films that I’ve seen. It desperately wants to be Die Hard but can never quite get out from under Bruce Willis’s shadow. Watch it while drunk for a passable evening. (Review here.)
9: After Earth
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| Screw humourous comments, what's with this bowing thing?? |
The epitome of ‘meh’ sci-fi, where the idea is to sit through gobbledygook jargon and half-arsed narrative concepts in the hope you’ll mistake it as intelligent. It’s not. And neither are The Smiths for whom After Earth marks a major career blow, both for Pa Smith and Smith Jr. (not to mention oddly AWOL director M. Night Shymalan). It might look pretty, but it’s also pretty damn boring. And what’s up with that schizophrenic ‘eat you/love you’ bird? (Review here.)
8: The Hangover Part III
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| They couldn't believe they're eyes either. |
It simply should never have happened. And there’s no greater evidence than the film itself. Largely stilted and boring, it’s almost arthritic, devoid of smart ideas or any semblance of fun. This was a cash cow made to milked and then sent off to the slaughterhouse, we can only pray the series stays there. (Review here.)
7: One Chance
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| This image is HILARIOUS out of context. |
Ugh. There is zero logic behind this film’s very existence. A Paul Potts biopic released nearly a decade after Paul Potts was last even remotely relevant? Yeah why not, it’s not like there’s metric ton of good British films desperately chasing after funding out there. Saccharine, dull, pandering and pointless. (Review here.)
6: The Fifth Estate
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| Behold, the world's least interesting leading man! |
Possibly the dullest film ever committed to celluloid; even writing the review was a chore. It’s simultaneously devoid of any substance and comically misinformed on quite how modern society works. The most notable thing about The Fifth Estateis that it marks the only smear on Benedict Cumberbatch’s otherwise flawless record, and we can all get behind the hate on that. (Review here.)
5: Runner Runner
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| Such drama. Much tension. |
‘A thriller with no action or any semblance of an actual, investible story? Sign me up!’ said some Fox executive somewhere. Runner Runner is divinely poor, as dull as it is superficial, happier spending its time cooing over its trio of ludicrously attractive stars than actually working as an honest-to-goodness film. A shame. (Review here.)
4: The Big Wedding
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| Trying to explain to everyone where they're there again. |
Here’s where the real drivel kicks in. The Big Wedding does undue damage to the good name of ‘farce.’ It’s a comedy in the same way that being stabbed repeatedly in the chest would be funny: not at all. The story (what little there is) is insultingly poor and the ‘all-star cast’ compete with each other to be the most rancid nugget upon this steaming pile of dung. But it’s blissfully short, hence 4th place. (Review here.)
3: The Host
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| Imagery. Symbolism. Hoo ha. |
2: 21 and Over
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| It'll be all white on the night. |
The only way 21 and Over could’ve been worse was if the repugnant central duo actually started murdering every ethnic minority (and woman…everyone that wasn’t young, white, and male actually) instead of crassly mocking them. 21 and Over is what happens when someone tries to do what This is the End did so well (hell, and The Hangover too, which the creative team were involved in) but gets it wrong. There is not one funny moment, it’s simply full of upsettingly bad juvenile inanity that even the most dedicated dudebro/lad/brony type would have difficulty stomaching, not because its necessarily insulting (though it mostly is) but because its so ball-breakingly poor. (Review here.)
1: Diana
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| Just...no words. It's beyond mockery. |
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the Queen of Shit for 2013: Diana! A film this lamentably, perplexingly, bang-your-head-against-a-desk-screaming-why-y bad comes around very rarely, and we can all be thankful for that. But we also can’t deny that Diana happened. We can’t deny the pisspoor dialogue, the moronic platitudes, the gagging elitism, the traumatically bad character and narrative development, the overwhelming gaucheness of everything, and the terrible sense of dread that a film of this ilk may yet exist again. Diana is a clusterfuck of everything awful in movie making and should be used only for disciplining children when they’ve done something exceptionally bad, like hijacking a plane or crafting nuclear weaponry. (Review here.)
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And that’s that for this week, my friends and lovers. What do you think? Agree? Disagree? I love discussing this wonderful industry, so comment till your heart’s content should you feel like it.
In the mean time, I’ll rejoin you soon with my own personal 2013 Awards post. And I know you’ve been positively tearing your hair out in excitement for that one!
As ever, feel free to follow me @smariman and, if you enjoyed these wee lists, click that little like button. Good deeds make the world go round, my friends, start 2014 with a karmic bang!
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