And so here we are guys, we made it. Gives yourself a slap on the back and a slap on the face. It’s been a whole year but I’ve finally worked out what this smear on the windowpane of the Internet is good for. So it’s with thanks that I’d like to open this post, thanks to your wonderful selves and the surprisingly generous support you’ve given this blog for reasons I’ll never understand. If it were not for your support this enterprise would have long gone the way of the Dodo but with less historical and cultural relevance, and, y’know, more fatalistic apathy.
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| Here's why you shouldn't smoke kids, don't do a Dodo! Unless that means getting a hat. Get one of them. Melanoma = bad. |
Anyway, as was briefly mentioned in last week’s post, I spent 5 weeks of this soul-destroyingly long summer stuck in Turkey. I say stuck, but what I mean of course is languishing in a tropical paradise with my girlfriend and an as-good-as private pool. Life can be hard sometimes. Whilst there we watched a metric ton of films as the only TV channel available was BBC World News and, to be quite frank, it does get one down hearing about the eighth hurricane of that week and how many new wars were being waged.
So this week, WITATAS (which is the genius abbreviated form of everyone’s favourite blog and potential name for a future Pokèmon) presents micro-reviews of every film we saw – every single one! – including The Fantastic 4. Ugh.
Warning, none of the below reviews are even remotely relevant. None at all. Nothing. The most recent is from 2011 so just a warning incase the overwhelming pointlessness of everything triggers an aneurism. Can't be dealing with lawsuits.
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| Still more sexually appealing than Steve Buscemi. |
Aliens (1986) – OR – Phallus Fights
Signourney Weaver, Bill Paxton, Lance HenriksenAliens is a sequel done good. Throwing Weaver’s Riply back into the insectoid nest from hell, Aliens is bigger (that there being a pluralising ‘s’) and more frenetic than it’s now historic predecessor, paying respect to what made the original so iconic while going above and beyond the call of duty to exist as it’s own entity. Tackling issues such as gender, motherhood and the fallacy of machismo Aliens is a film of surprising narrative depth, thrills, horror and BIG FREAKIN' GUNS.
5/5
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| Never touch a lady's chocolate. |
Misery (1990) – OR – The Internet: An Allegory
Kathy Bates, James Caan
Bates is electric as a psychopathic, avidly fanatic monster who first saves, then terrorizes and tortures her favourite author (Caan) into changing one of his books after pulling him out of a mountainside car-wreck. Misery is a master class in tension, incessantly twisting the knot of suspense until Bates’ next psychotic explosion. It’s definitely coming, but when? The charming support cast of the Sherriff and his wife makes for a thoroughly enjoyable, oftentimes unsettling, experience.
5/5
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| Blatantly not copied from the Internet. |
Too Young to Die? (1990) – OR – N/A (Out of respect)
Julliette Lewis, Brad Pitt
Telling the disturbing true story of Attina Marie Cannaday, her life and the man she murdered, Too Young to Die is a predominately harrowing experience. While some sequences do dip a bit heavily into the cheese and its undeniable ‘made-for-TV’ atmosphere, the central duo’s performances (particularly Lewis’) are outstanding, making for consistently uncomfortable viewing that will leave an unsavory moral conundrum in the gut, heart and brain. In a good way.
4/5
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| Unsure of what happened last night, Mel is shown the remnants of his death-pit orgy. |
Signs (2002) – OR – God Vs. Aliens
Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Abigail Breslin
Taking an alien film and seasoning it with a healthy dose of deterministic religiosity, Signs is a fresh and entertaining stab at the mostly a depressingly stale 'invasion' genre. Filled with jump scares and strong performances from the central cast, Signsis a robustly entertaining film despite it’s over-preachyness and sometimes glacial pace.
3/5
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| Conventional suicide just doesn't hack it these days. |
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004) – OR – Shagathon: The Return
Renee Zellwegger, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant
After watching it three times in as many days…it was still fun. Its only desire is to fill you with smiles and then float back to candy land; ergo to hate is like to hate a puppy. You monster. The central trio is solid and is each doing what they do best (Zellwegger – goofy chick; Firth – British and prim; Grant – British and sexy) to craft a package that, while lacking meat on its bones, is just simply nice.
3/5
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| The brutal repercussions of excessive masturbation. |
Fantastic Four (2005) – OR – Space Babies
Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans
Take four people who – because science – mutate super-powers rather than die horrible, drawn-out deaths after being clouted by magic space radiation, and fling them into the real world. What do you get? Not a subtle treatise on the human condition and human relationships garnished with explosions, but an infinitely boring, contrived, painful experience. Fantastic Four is just all-round bad, the runt of the Marvel family: nothing makes sense, dialogue is awful and the action is nothing short of ‘meh.’ Chris Evans is, at least, entertaining.
1/5
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| Kidnapping: not just for men. |
Flightplan (2005) – OR – Aerial Bean Protection
Jodie Foster, Peter Sarsgaard, Sean Bean
Urgh, just…urgh. The premise is interesting: a psycho trip in which a women’s daughter disappears on a flight, is she missing or…did she never exist? Ooo. But this quickly dissolves into a stodgy, boring, infinitely archetypal ‘thriller’ with far too many lingering shots of Foster’s panting, mildewy face. Sean Bean doesn’t die though, so kudos for that.
1/5
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| Mind.Blowing.Action |
The Da Vinci Code (2006) – OR – The Achy Bum Conundrum
Tom Hanks, Ian McKellen, Audrey Tautou
In a film filled to the brim with snotty pretension and needless lecture, Hanks’ inhumanely awful mullet is perhaps the greatest offender. The Da Vinci Code wants to be an intelligent action thriller but spends too much time trying to prove how much smarter it is than you that it forgets to do that really important thing: entertain. The premise is fascinating; the execution is excruciating and even somewhat insulting. Ultimately, any action/thriller type film with line ‘I need to get to a library’ should just…go away.
2/5
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| Two girls, one what? |
Rendition (2007) – OR – Guess who?
Jake Gyllenhal, Meryl Streep, Reese Witherspoon
Rendition is a testament to what happens when there are too many cooks. Taking the Flightplan-esque set-up of ‘someone goes missing on a plane,’ Rendition initially poses a similar level of interest, only with modern warfare and terrorism as its cheery backdrop. From there it quite literally loses the plot or, to put it another way, magics up so many plots that nothing feels cogent and everythingfeels unbearably, apocalyptically slow. There’s definitely some entertainment for the old grey matter on offer, but finding it requires a headlamp and a pickaxe.
2/5
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| There's 3 of them, d'yagetit?? |
Shrek the Third (2007) – OR – Fairy Carnival: The Undying
Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz
All of the other (better) Shrek films have more or less the same story: Shrek has to get Fiona back. But at least they have one. The story of Shrek the Third is the weakest element in an overwhelmingly weak film, if for no reason other than it could conceivably have been resolved within ten minutes. Many of the series’ staple jokes and pop-culture jabs unfortunately fall flat too in a package where entertainment directly correlates with age.
2/5
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| No matter what, you'll never be ready for the sudden death of gravity. |
Mamma Mia (2008) – OR – Lalalalala
Meryl Streep, Peirce Brosnan, Colin Firth, And a Billion Others
Mamma Mia is a film of Bridget Jones’s ilk; it’s something so happy and fruity, so unashamedly camp that to hate it is to hate the essence of happiness itself. Yes it’s stupid, it’s positively ridiculous, but it knowsit is and has fun with it. The story of young girl-to-be-wed uncovering her heritage on the big day just doesn’t matter. Bottom line, this is a film high on fun that throws the serious out of the window to a hearty rendition of ‘Dancing Queen.'
3/5
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| 'So tell me, do I look like a floating head?' |
Angels & Demons (2009) – OR – The Achy Bum Conundrum 2: Pope Slapping
Tom Hanks, Ewan McGreggor
Taking Hanks’ befuddled 80s anomaly and throwing him into a new historic intelligentsia city - complete with fresh, exotic lady fodder – Angels & Demons takes the formula of its predecessor but cuts some of the irksome waffle and replaces it with sprinty action. And it’s all the better for it. The story may be less interesting but its delivery is light-years better; with plenty of action, some genuinely harrowing scenes and an accessible – coherent – narrative, this is one of those rare sequels that improves on the original. Not that that was a hard task in this case.
3/5
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| 'And then I told him, 'of course I'll help you pay off your student loan!' |
Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin
It’s old people having sex! And a damn entertaining watch to boot. While the narrative may flounder under its own softness – the tale of love after divorce doesn’t quite hold its strength for the whole running time – It’s Complicated offers engaging characters, zippy dialogue and all-round fuzzy joy from a director at the zenith of her craft. Long live Queen Meryl.
4/5
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| What your parent's think will happen should you leave the shower on. |
2012 (2009) – OR – Doomsday: The Apocalyptic Doom Armageddon
John Cusack, Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson
If 2012 was intended as a satire of Hollywood then it is the single greatest piece of art the industry has ever crafted. As it is, it’s a stodgy saturated affair with characters so unlikeable the film itself unceremoniously kills most of them off without so much as a ‘how-de do.’ In a film that treats set pieces of the scale most films can’t even dream about – e.g. the end of the bloomin’ planet - with the flippancy of toddler, 2012 has no right to be as unpleasantly dull as it is.
1/5
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| 2 hours later and it was obvious: they hadn't turned the stove off. |
Bridesmaids (2011) – OR – The Hangover...of Love
Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy
While originally advertised as ‘The Hangover for chicks,’ this is a film that deserves far more credit. Melissa McCarthy is a comedic revelation as Megan in a film that draws consistent giggles while also crafting believable, endearing characters - something The Hangover couldn’t do no matter how many cities it gets drunk in. Funny, charming and elucidating for any curious men-folk: a perfect Saturday night film.
4/5
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| As an English student, glimpse into the future. |
Limitless (2011) – OR – Brain Jizz
Bradley Cooper, Robert De Nero
Limitless should have been really stupid. And it is. But it’s not good stupid, it’s the sort of stupid that leaves you feeling stupid. And bored. A film about a magic brain pill has no right to be anything other than standard Blockbuster explodey action fodder – which is great – but Limitlessdoesn’t make sense (shock), doesn’t entertain and, ultimately, doesn’t matter. Outside of the early funky aesthetic montages this is a film that falls flat on its perfectly chiselled face.
2/5
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And that - as Porky the dyslexic pig once said - is all folks! Hope y'all enjoyed and if you did...well, maybe a long hard look at yourself is in order, eh.
The greatest 10 minutes of your life, celebrate a movie King:
As a final note, please follow me on Twitter: @smariman. You'll get told of updates and new posts as soon as they happen as well as the odd desperate attempt at being funny, entertaining and likeable. Such is life.
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