Micro Reviews - OR - Time-Travelling Aneurism

And so here we are guys, we made it. Gives yourself a slap on the back and a slap on the face. It’s been a whole year but I’ve finally worked out what this smear on the windowpane of the Internet is good for. So it’s with thanks that I’d like to open this post, thanks to your wonderful selves and the surprisingly generous support you’ve given this blog for reasons I’ll never understand. If it were not for your support this enterprise would have long gone the way of the Dodo but with less historical and cultural relevance, and, y’know, more fatalistic apathy.

Here's why you shouldn't smoke kids, don't do a Dodo!
Unless that means getting a hat. Get one of them. Melanoma = bad.

Anyway, as was briefly mentioned in last week’s post, I spent 5 weeks of this soul-destroyingly long summer stuck in Turkey. I say stuck, but what I mean of course is languishing in a tropical paradise with my girlfriend and an as-good-as private pool. Life can be hard sometimes. Whilst there we watched a metric ton of films as the only TV channel available was BBC World News and, to be quite frank, it does get one down hearing about the eighth hurricane of that week and how many new wars were being waged.

So this week, WITATAS (which is the genius abbreviated form of everyone’s favourite blog and potential name for a future Pokèmon) presents micro-reviews of every film we saw – every single one! – including The Fantastic 4. Ugh.

Warning, none of the below reviews are even remotely relevant. None at all. Nothing. The most recent is from 2011 so just a warning incase the overwhelming pointlessness of everything triggers an aneurism. Can't be dealing with lawsuits.

*                    *                    *                    *                    *

Still more sexually appealing than Steve Buscemi.

Aliens (1986) – OR – Phallus Fights

Signourney Weaver, Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen

Aliens is a sequel done good. Throwing Weaver’s Riply back into the insectoid nest from hell, Aliens is bigger (that there being a pluralising ‘s’) and more frenetic than it’s now historic predecessor, paying respect to what made the original so iconic while going above and beyond the call of duty to exist as it’s own entity. Tackling issues such as gender, motherhood and the fallacy of machismo Aliens is a film of surprising narrative depth, thrills, horror and BIG FREAKIN' GUNS.

5/5

Never touch a lady's chocolate.

Misery (1990) – OR – The Internet: An Allegory

Kathy Bates, James Caan

Bates is electric as a psychopathic, avidly fanatic monster who first saves, then terrorizes and tortures her favourite author (Caan) into changing one of his books after pulling him out of a mountainside car-wreck. Misery is a master class in tension, incessantly twisting the knot of suspense until Bates’ next psychotic explosion. It’s definitely coming, but when? The charming support cast of the Sherriff and his wife makes for a thoroughly enjoyable, oftentimes unsettling, experience.

5/5

Blatantly not copied from the Internet.

Too Young to Die?  (1990) – OR – N/A (Out of respect)

Julliette Lewis, Brad Pitt

Telling the disturbing true story of Attina Marie Cannaday, her life and the man she murdered, Too Young to Die is a predominately harrowing experience. While some sequences do dip a bit heavily into the cheese and its undeniable ‘made-for-TV’ atmosphere, the central duo’s performances (particularly Lewis’) are outstanding, making for consistently uncomfortable viewing that will leave an unsavory moral conundrum in the gut, heart and brain. In a good way.

4/5

Unsure of what happened last night, Mel is shown the
remnants of his death-pit orgy.

Signs (2002) – OR – God Vs. Aliens

Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Abigail Breslin

Taking an alien film and seasoning it with a healthy dose of deterministic religiosity, Signs is a fresh and entertaining stab at the mostly a depressingly stale 'invasion' genre. Filled with jump scares and strong performances from the central cast, Signsis a robustly entertaining film despite it’s over-preachyness and sometimes glacial pace.

3/5

Conventional suicide just doesn't hack it these days.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason  (2004) – OR – Shagathon: The Return

Renee Zellwegger, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant

After watching it three times in as many days…it was still fun. Its only desire is to fill you with smiles and then float back to candy land; ergo to hate is like to hate a puppy. You monster. The central trio is solid and is each doing what they do best (Zellwegger – goofy chick; Firth – British and prim; Grant – British and sexy) to craft a package that, while lacking meat on its bones, is just simply nice.

3/5

The brutal repercussions of excessive masturbation.

Fantastic Four (2005) – OR – Space Babies

Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans

Take four people who – because science – mutate super-powers rather than die horrible, drawn-out deaths after being clouted by magic space radiation, and fling them into the real world. What do you get? Not a subtle treatise on the human condition and human relationships garnished with explosions, but an infinitely boring, contrived, painful experience. Fantastic Four is just all-round bad, the runt of the Marvel family: nothing makes sense, dialogue is awful and the action is nothing short of ‘meh.’ Chris Evans is, at least, entertaining.

1/5

Kidnapping: not just for men.

Flightplan (2005) – OR – Aerial Bean Protection

Jodie Foster, Peter Sarsgaard, Sean Bean

Urgh, just…urgh. The premise is interesting: a psycho trip in which a women’s daughter disappears on a flight, is she missing or…did she never exist? Ooo. But this quickly dissolves into a stodgy, boring, infinitely archetypal ‘thriller’ with far too many lingering shots of Foster’s panting, mildewy face. Sean Bean doesn’t die though, so kudos for that.

1/5

Mind.Blowing.Action

The Da Vinci Code (2006)  – OR – The Achy Bum Conundrum

Tom Hanks, Ian McKellen, Audrey Tautou

In a film filled to the brim with snotty pretension and needless lecture, Hanks’ inhumanely awful mullet is perhaps the greatest offender. The Da Vinci Code wants to be an intelligent action thriller but spends too much time trying to prove how much smarter it is than you that it forgets to do that really important thing: entertain. The premise is fascinating; the execution is excruciating and even somewhat insulting. Ultimately, any action/thriller type film with line ‘I need to get to a library’ should just…go away.

2/5

Two girls, one what?

Rendition (2007) – OR – Guess who?

Jake Gyllenhal, Meryl Streep, Reese Witherspoon

Rendition is a testament to what happens when there are too many cooks. Taking the Flightplan-esque set-up of ‘someone goes missing on a plane,’ Rendition initially poses a similar level of interest, only with modern warfare and terrorism as its cheery backdrop. From there it quite literally loses the plot or, to put it another way, magics up so many plots that nothing feels cogent and everythingfeels unbearably, apocalyptically slow. There’s definitely some entertainment for the old grey matter on offer, but finding it requires a headlamp and a pickaxe.

2/5

There's 3 of them, d'yagetit??

Shrek the Third  (2007) – OR – Fairy Carnival: The Undying

Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz

All of the other (better) Shrek films have more or less the same story: Shrek has to get Fiona back. But at least they have one. The story of Shrek the Third is the weakest element in an overwhelmingly weak film, if for no reason other than it could conceivably have been resolved within ten minutes. Many of the series’ staple jokes and pop-culture jabs unfortunately fall flat too in a package where entertainment directly correlates with age.

2/5

No matter what, you'll never be ready for the sudden
death of gravity.

Mamma Mia (2008) – OR – Lalalalala

Meryl Streep, Peirce Brosnan, Colin Firth, And a Billion Others

Mamma Mia is a film of Bridget Jones’s ilk; it’s something so happy and fruity, so unashamedly camp that to hate it is to hate the essence of happiness itself. Yes it’s stupid, it’s positively ridiculous, but it knowsit is and has fun with it. The story of young girl-to-be-wed uncovering her heritage on the big day just doesn’t matter. Bottom line, this is a film high on fun that throws the serious out of the window to a hearty rendition of ‘Dancing Queen.'

3/5

'So tell me, do I look like a floating head?'

Angels & Demons (2009) – OR – The Achy Bum Conundrum 2: Pope Slapping

Tom Hanks, Ewan McGreggor

Taking Hanks’ befuddled 80s anomaly and throwing him into a new historic intelligentsia city - complete with fresh, exotic lady fodder – Angels & Demons takes the formula of its predecessor but cuts some of the irksome waffle and replaces it with sprinty action. And it’s all the better for it. The story may be less interesting but its delivery is light-years better; with plenty of action, some genuinely harrowing scenes and an accessible – coherent – narrative, this is one of those rare sequels that improves on the original. Not that that was a hard task in this case.

3/5

'And then I told him, 'of course I'll help you pay off
your student loan!'

It’s Complicated (2009) – OR – Mossy Love Riot

Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin

It’s old people having sex! And a damn entertaining watch to boot. While the narrative may flounder under its own softness – the tale of love after divorce doesn’t quite hold its strength for the whole running time – It’s Complicated offers engaging characters, zippy dialogue and all-round fuzzy joy from a director at the zenith of her craft. Long live Queen Meryl.

4/5

What your parent's think will happen should you leave the
shower on.

2012 (2009) – OR – Doomsday: The Apocalyptic Doom Armageddon 

John Cusack, Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson

If 2012 was intended as a satire of Hollywood then it is the single greatest piece of art the industry has ever crafted. As it is, it’s a stodgy saturated affair with characters so unlikeable the film itself unceremoniously kills most of them off without so much as a ‘how-de do.’ In a film that treats set pieces of the scale most films can’t even dream about – e.g. the end of the bloomin’ planet - with the flippancy of toddler, 2012 has no right to be as unpleasantly dull as it is.

1/5

2 hours later and it was obvious: they hadn't turned
the stove off.

Bridesmaids (2011) – OR – The Hangover...of Love

Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy

While originally advertised as ‘The Hangover for chicks,’ this is a film that deserves far more credit. Melissa McCarthy is a comedic revelation as Megan in a film that draws consistent giggles while also crafting believable, endearing characters - something The Hangover couldn’t do no matter how many cities it gets drunk in. Funny, charming and elucidating for any curious men-folk: a perfect Saturday night film.

4/5

As an English student, glimpse into the future.

Limitless (2011) – OR – Brain Jizz 

Bradley Cooper, Robert De Nero

Limitless should have been really stupid. And it is. But it’s not good stupid, it’s the sort of stupid that leaves you feeling stupid. And bored. A film about a magic brain pill has no right to be anything other than standard Blockbuster explodey action fodder – which is great – but Limitlessdoesn’t make sense (shock), doesn’t entertain and, ultimately, doesn’t matter. Outside of the early funky aesthetic montages this is a film that falls flat on its perfectly chiselled face.

2/5

*                    *                    *                    *                    *

And that - as Porky the dyslexic pig once said - is all folks! Hope y'all enjoyed and if you did...well, maybe a long hard look at yourself is in order, eh.

The greatest 10 minutes of your life, celebrate a movie King:

As a final note, please follow me on Twitter: @smariman. You'll get told of updates and new posts as soon as they happen as well as the odd desperate attempt at being funny, entertaining and likeable. Such is life.

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Life Stories - OR - Alien Kermit Baby

The thing with the Internet is that it’s big. Really big. It doesn’t actually, tangibly exist and can therefore expand indefinitely into nothingness, much like the Universe itself. Because that makes sense. Because science.

The Internet. It definitely makes sense.

And because it’s so big there’s a lot of stuff. And because there’s a lot of stuff nothing is particularly original or – usually – interesting. These are lessons that I’ve learnt since magic-ing up my own previously ethereal slice of wi-fi pie. But you must have an identity and a brand. All of the other websites whose identities and brands are to tell you you need an identity and a brand say so. And so, because I’m a lifelong techie nerd whose primary passions are also conjurations of previous unreality, I’ve taken a solemn oath on my slight and rasping self-respect to focus content on that oh so omnipotent socially excluding duo: films and videogames.

I’ve made a token gesture to such an enterprise in the past, by which I mean a few sporadic reviews of films I’ve seen over the last year. That’s right, it was over a year ago that I started this blog and despite the fact that I’ve not given it anywhere near the attention I should have (less than 10 posts…oops) it’s been surprisingly successful. Consequently, the times they are a’ changing. From now, I will no longer be Mr. Mclazyanddontupdate.

So the long and short of it is that I will summarize my year so far in two pictures. So I can, y'know, focus on that brand thing.

Me meeting my old friend Kermit while studying in Connecticut for 4 months earlier this year. Helluva guy. Massive drug problem though.

Staring into the Turkish sunset pondering the wonders and intricacies of the Universe. There's roughly a billion photos  of my five weeks in Bird-Land but this best represents the depth, complexity and darkness of the human soul.

So that was a long-winded way of saying nothing in particular…yet another prevailing theme of our favourite intellectual dumping ground. So no testicle directed falcon-punches I’m sorry, or pictures of that epic battle with Mr. K. Kong (definitely happened, censored in the news). 

But seeing as we’re not really talking about anything here, and that this post is supposed to represent some sort of change the reverberations of which will no doubt be apocalyptic, let’s have a little story-time.

Any film/videogame fan anywhere at any point in history ever will say that films/games have been a part of their life for as long as they can remember. Well…

My Dad was a videogames graphics artist when I was but a wee smidge of a human many moons ago, so videogames have quite literally been a part of life since I was first wrenched all fresh, jammy and screaming into the world, going so far as actively keeping me alive what with it being his job thingy. And there was no turning back from there. He had all the classics – NES, SNES, Master System and all that lovely stuff – so by the time the N64 rolled around in 1997 I was a thoroughbred Nintendo fan and proceeded to spend the majority of the rest of my life playing Mario 64 and Goldeneye. So, at the cost of my childhood and social development, when I say that videogames have always been a part of my life I mean it.

And you know what, I’m proud of that fact. While others were out ‘playing’ with fellow humans I was struggling to save Hyrule from the forces of darkness, classmates would go out climbing trees and exploring nature and all the wonderment therein whilst I was saving Princess Peach for the umpteenth time. While I understand that spending the majority of your developing years absorbed in fictional worlds isn’t particularly ‘healthy’, I still owe who I am today to these formative experiences. I learned right from wrong, became a hero alongside Link and all those spikey-haired Final Fantasy weirdos, learned time keeping and organisation (some of those boss fights were real ball aches) alongside much much more. And furthermore, at the end of the day, I still knew that none of this was real and didn’t become a mass-murdering psychopath trying to recreate what I saw on Grand Theft Auto one day. Because that’s just really really stupid so shut-up Daily Mail, shut-up your silly little bigoted mouth. Idiots.

‘But,’ I hear you cry in panic and disbelief, ‘you’ve not mentioned games on this site before you silly noodle!’ And that’s true but if you’d been listening (reading?) I will be in the future for God’s sake. Some people, honestly.

Films are not such a direct path. Everyone watches films, enjoys them and talks about them. So much so that to call yourself a film-buff is practically counter-productive. Simply put, unless you have some sort of professional position – reviewer, previewer etc – you just sound like a knob. So what in the name of Wumbo is a ‘buff’? Well it’s a ridiculous word for one. But more than that I think it’s a more polite term for obsessive. While I realize that isn’t going to be a popular notion, a film buff (or, because I ate the word, a film ‘ninja’) or a ninja of anything else for that matter, is simply obsessively attached to something. 

Like every other person who lives in a house these days, I’ve always watched films. My attachment with them began with Jurassic Park because dinosaurs were, and always will be forever and ever amen, ridiculously cool. From there I got into sci-fi with Star Wars (obviously, gamer here) which eventually led to an all-encompassing geeky love of the Alienseries and other beasts of its ilk: creepy, gory, tense and generally a bit grim. 

So why do I consider myself a film-ninja? For one, I’m a knob. But for another I got so drawn into Alien and its universe that I critically watched the series – repeatedly – wrote coursework on it, wrote fanscripts, wrote poems. Okay, not poems. But you get the point. My experience from watching Alien (and especially Aliens, my favourite, long live Jim Cameron) made me realize that, in an ideal magic world where dreams come true and everything is bright and rosy, I want to live my life among films. And because by then Hell will have long since frozen over, I could make Alien on Ice. Want more proof? I write reviews on the Internet for no reason other than I want to.

Now wasn’t that nice? Do you not feel closer to this obscure voice on the Internet? Good. I don’t mean to preach, only to illustrate that what I intend to write about I know about. And more importantly I’m passionate about. There’s far too much ego in the creative industries these days, both with films and  - increasingly – games too. And this makes me sad. I’ve been labeled a nerd my entire life and I most definitely am. So for you splendid people out there who read this, I just want you to know where I’m coming from. I don’t write what I write because I think it’s cool or think that people want to read it. I write what I write because I’m a great big, honking nerd. Live long and prosper.

The most inspirational video you're ever likely to see. With enough belief and effort, you too will get the flip-flop of life my friends:

As a final note, please follow me on Twitter: @smariman. You'll get told of updates and new posts as soon as they happen as well as the odd desperate attempt at being funny, entertaining and likeable. Such is life.

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