An Introduction - OR - Screaming in the face of hypocrisy.

You think the summer is fun? This is summer!

The thing with this long God-forsaken expanse of soul-sucking emptiness that some call a ‘summer’ – not in Britain! – is that for the most part it is soul-sucking and empty. Most of the time I sit around on my withered, wrinkly, Welsh arse trying to think of more colourful ways of describing said arse before I get bored and fall asleep bellowing the age old cry that’s quickly shaping a generation – ‘Screw it.’ The difficulty is that not many words alliterate very well with ‘w’ – even ‘wrinkly’ actually starts with an ‘r’ sound, making it both semantically and biologically incorrect for those platitudinous folk who like needlessly long words – and when I started resorting to bogus terms like ‘wizard’ or ‘whipideedooda’ the whole ‘screw it’ thing seemed infinitely more enticing. Not that that’s saying much though, like choosing to get shot in the arm rather than in the leg; they're both rather unpleasant but will at the very least cure your boredom. I could make some ridiculous nonsensical stream like ‘wacky, waving, wizardy, wiggling, wagging, wife-beating, whipple-bat’ but I’m much more likely to be filled with shame rather than pride and would rather sleep where I at least have the chance of dreaming about sex. Or flying. Or anything besides the void of my bedroom.

I realize I’m not actually saying anything here and could easily bore the proverbial hind-legs off the proverbial donkey. Pro-verb-ial. Yet another needlessly long word used by people to confuse other people into thinking that person number 1 has some degree of intelligence. I would patent the technique if there wasn’t the guarantee that some menopausal half-human somewhere will get upset by it, calling it ‘discriminatory’ or ‘insulting’ or whatever other buzz word the media are bouncing about these days. The horrible, bitter, bitter, horrible truth of it all is that you can’t say anything without upsetting some idiot somewhere. Want to insult a banana? Hold on just one minute you rapscallion you; don’t want to upset those who like bananas now do you? Or someone else who has some strange psycho-sexual relationship with one and won’t stop crying should someone point out to them ITS A FRUIT. ‘Hold on a minute!’ I hear some of the more analy-retentive among you, ‘A banana IS NOT a fruit you silly person you’ which is partially true because its also a herb. But anything that tries to be two things at once should have the good grace to pick one or not exist at all. If I walk into a room with feathers rammed forcibly into my poor excuses for arms and cry “I’m a bird!” I’m more likely to be arrested than become a popular exotic export. Now I’m not saying that I’ve visited many jails but I’m pretty certain they aren’t full of slowly decomposing fruit/herb hybrid freaks piled in the corner. Vegetables yes, but that depends more on how aggressive the wardens are. I realize the comparison here is completely arbitrary and has no actual standing as an argument, but as the immortal Mr. Eminem once said I just don’t give a...fig.

I made a vow to myself to never create a blog on the grounds that 99.9% of them are so mercilessly mundane that it’s like the universe has actually broken in two, absorbing you into an infinite void comprised purely of gray carpet overlaid by the ‘Sky Remote Demonstration’ played on repeat, growing steadily louder after each play-through until it hits a frequency beyond your feeble human ears and you're left floating through a silent grey emptiness for the rest of eternity. Now that, my friends, is a sentence. But I’ve gone and made one anyway, which brings me back to the opening of this post, which I hope you’ve noticed placed you in that wonderfully vague – and equally pointless – place called ‘in media res’. You see, as I was trying to think of creative and amazing ways of describing my arse it dawned on me how splendidly empty my life is now with no job or any real prospects. So I decided to make a blog about it because if the internet has taught me anything its that if you ever have a problem then the whole bloody world wants to hear about it. Or not.

Because funny:

As a final note, please follow me on Twitter: @smariman. You'll get told of updates and new posts as soon as they happen as well as the odd desperate attempt at being funny, entertaining and likeable. Such is life.