I think the basic fact that this post – a NEW YEARS post – is nearly 2 weeks late says a great deal about my dedication and punctuation to my own enterprises. It all started quite well, but that was because it was the summer and I was a bored angry man with nothing better to do than vent to the Internet. And go to the cinema. But then term started back up and my life got bitch-slapped by essays and coursework and rent and work and essays and robberies and people and essays and money and applications and essays.
…
And essays. Essssaaaayyyysssssss.
So you must be wondering – as I know you all do, inquisitive little buggers. Not that you can help it of course, I am as uniquely interesting as time travel itself; both impossible and awesome – why I’m reviving this poor dead carcass of a blog? Well, you see, I’ve noticed that despite the complete exodus of activity - a silence of such titanic proportions it can be measured solely in Biblical miracles – all you lovely tender humans out there have still been reading it. Or one of you has at least, in which case thanks for the support but…it’s not going to work out, I’m kind of in a ‘me’ place right now.
And this warmed my heart. Genuinely. I felt like the Grinch at the end of The Grinch on a cocktail of valium and distilled merry-Elf juice. So, with my defibrillator keyboard at my fingertips, I swore to myself to zap new life into the old girl in a New Years resolution that WILL DEFINITELY NOT DIE A SAD LACKLUSTRE DEATH. Until I go to America. On Sunday.
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| You stay classy, Internet. |
Introducing:
The Laziest Thing a Website/Blog Contributor Can Do:
My Top 10’s of the Year
Top 10 Films:
These are not necessarily the best films of the year, more like the one’s that stuck with me for whatever reason, be they monstrously dire or just plain weird. Oh, and these are the films that I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN. Not a list of films which SHOULD be listed because we’re told that they’re good by pretentious, beret-wearing, sunglasses bearing, tea-sipping, fart smelling ‘critics’ and I’m desperately trying to validate myself as part of their elite, self-congratulating echelon with impeccable taste. Speaking of which:
10 – Sharktopus: Get this right, it’s a SHARK with TENTACLES that WALKS ON LAND. Majestically awful/stupidly awesome depending on how drunk you are.
9 – Morning Glory: Han Solo gives cooking lessons, if that doesn’t stick with you what will? Title is a winner too, illustrating the ineptitude of American English.
8 – Rise of the Planet of the Apes: A refreshing reminder that blockbusters needn’t be dull, soulless affairs. Thought provoking and exciting.
7 – Hanna: Violent-girl-soldier + Chemical Brothers + Fairytales + the guy who did Atonement = memorable. Strange, but not as strange as:
6 – Rango: Just really really weirdly weird….weird. Weird with weird little cat-men and a mustachioed snake and an evil tortoise stereotype. Somehow. Weird.
5 – The Warrior: The superb cast and breathtaking fight scenes make for a film as exciting as it is predictable. As surprising as wood. In a forest.
4 – Black Swan: Probably the creepiest film of the year, putting all those standard, fetid horror farces to shame. Natalie Portman is enchanting.
3 – Arrietty: Simply glorious. Stunningly beautiful artwork championed with a sense of wonder depressingly absent from much of modern cinema.
2 – True Grit: Jeff Bridges will never cease to warm my giblets with those dulcet tones. Beautifully shot, masterful performances and a strange man in a bearskin.
1 – Jurassic Park:…I saw it in the cinema so it counts right? Still face-punchingly awesome. A lot of love for Jeff uh-er-umm…ha-ah Goldblum.
Top 10 Games
Films and games…yep, I’m one of those guys. As with the film list these are games that I have actually played. So, no Skyrim, no Arkham City, no Halo, no Gears, no NOTHING! Fight the machine man; I’m not a part of your system! And I don’t have enough money.
10 – Mass Effect 2: Expert characterization and development yet memorable for being so bloody repetitive. Combat makes a ticking clock seem surprising.
9 – Mario Kart 7: I’m a big ol’ Nintendo nerd so any Mario Kart scores well in my book. More of the same with new characters/courses and fancy new wing things.
8 – Persona 3 Portable: Handheld version of one of the greatest RPGs of all time. Like being able to carry your favourite dinner in your pocket. If you’re in to that.
7 – LittleBig Planet 2: Just insane. Don’t like the levels? Make your own. Don’t like the GAME? Then make your own dumbass! Full of charm and a lot of fun.
6 – L.A. Noire: Phelps may have as much character as a wet salmon but a unique IP garnished with impressive technology and novel gameplay makes good.
5 – Dissidia 012: Final Fantasy fan too…yeah. However, even without the almighty BJ to fans, this is a game nourished on unique and enjoyable mechanics.
4 – LoZ Skwyard Sword: In terms of pure gameplay easily one of the best experiences available. Unfortunately bogged down by as much twee as Disney.
3 – Deus Ex Human Revolutions: Frustrating, frightening, thrilling. It’s like Ghost in the Shell wedded to Satan’s testicles: exhilarating but tough.
2 – Portal 2: Takes Portal and cranks everything up to 11: gameplay, characters, pacing all exceptional. Also Stephen Merchant. Love that guy.
1 – LoZ Ocarina of Time 3D: AGAIN IT COUNTS. Technically new after all. What can I say; the 90s were a happier time. An absolute classic this, simple as.
Top 10 Months
10 – May
9 – February
8 – April
7 – November
6 – October
5 – July
4 – August
3 – March
2 – December
1 – September
January and June can bite me. Exams…just no.
Top 10 States of Being
10 – Hungover
9 – Dead
8 – Existential
7 – Metaphorical
6 – Spiritual
5 – Metrologic
4 – Supernatural
3 – Warm
2 – Alive
1 – Drunk
Top 10 Top 10s
10 – Top 10 Spelunking Hotspots
9 – Top 10 Things to Do With The Bits of Cheese That You Grate Off But Are Too Small to Actually Use in Whatever it is You’re Cooking Because You Can’t Pick Them Up Without Smudging Them Into the Surface Which Is Really Annoying Because It’s Like ‘That’s a Waste of Food and There’s Nothing I Can Do About it Besides Make it Into Mess Which I Then Have to Clean Up When I’ve Finished Cooking, But, You Know How it is, You Just Want to Relax After Cooking Right? You Get all Hot and Stressed and The Meal Never Looks Like it Does On the Instructions and Even Though Everyone Said They Liked it You Know They’re Just Trying to Save Your Feelings Which, Yeah, Is Nice But I’d Rather They Be Honest With Me Even Though Deep Down I Know I’m Too Sensitive to Deal With Criticism.’
8 – Top 10 Ways of Eating a Malteser
7 – Top 10 Single Digit Numbers
6 – Top 10 Top 10 Top 10s
5 – Top 10 Ways of Concealing an Erection
4 – Top 10 Noises That Are Culturally Frowned Upon
3 – Top 10 Tuts
2 – Top 10 Things to do With Your Feet That You Normally Do With Your Hands
1 – Top 10 Worst Things You Can be Implicated in While Holding a Blunt Instrument
Top 10 Colour Pencils
10 – White: because, I mean, just…why? What’s the point? Wonderfully useless.
9 – Yellow: because it’s like the sun maaaaaaaaaaan.
8 – Puce: because funny.
7 – Needlessly big graphite pencils shaped like sticks or something.
6 – Black: BECAUSE I CAN PUT IT ON MY EYES AND BE ALL SERIOUS AND MISUNDERSTOOD AND STUFF.
5 – Pink: because how else would we judge if other colours are gay or not?
4 – Brown: because <insert inappropriate joke here> (I was going to do it myself but…it wasn’t worth slaying what little readership I apparently have.)
3 – Gainsboro: because it’s a thing apparently.
2 – Blue: not quite as cool as…
1 – Green: because – well - c’mon, it’s green.
And that, you’ll be pleased to hear, is that! Hope you enjoyed what was no doubt an epic waste of time. Merry procrastination to you all!
To continue our brave and heroic march into the land of lazing please feel free to add your own top 10 - or populate one of those above, or all of them, SCREW IT GO NUTS - in the comments of this page or on facebook. Or, y’know, go and do your coursework or revise or generally work towards your futures.
Until next time (which will most likely be May) caru ti ac diolch yn fawr iawn.
As a final note, please follow me on Twitter: @smariman. You'll get told of updates and new posts as soon as they happen as well as the odd desperate attempt at being funny, entertaining and likeable. Such is life.
A classic to say goodbye to ol' 2011:
As a final note, please follow me on Twitter: @smariman. You'll get told of updates and new posts as soon as they happen as well as the odd desperate attempt at being funny, entertaining and likeable. Such is life.
