It’s been over a month since I last plagued the Internet with opinions no one gives fat-arsed cat about. Its been hard for you - no doubt about that - so sit back, relax and bathe in the delicious textified glow of my sultry voice as it soothes you to a luxurious sleep. Or stupor.
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| He's more English than England. In a teacup. Tutting. |
Pretty Woman (1990)
- OR - Bitch-Slapping the Feminists.
- OR - Bitch-Slapping the Feminists.
A certified telegram from the 90s; a love-letter to the sort of times where casual sexism and out-and-out blatant stereotypes were the candy necklaces to the common gut. Richard Gere is as straight edged and expressive as the average desk while Julia Roberts injects a bit of fun into a role that would these days no doubt have feminists tearing their collective left breast off in indignation. The plot is rom-com - as daring as folding a piece of paper in the dark - but all in all structures a film that offers light-hearted fun that harms no one.
3/5
3/5
Notting Hill (1999)
- OR – Hairdy Hair Hair Hair
Otherwise known as: The Hugh Grant Singularity. As with Pretty Woman, it is a film that pushes as many boundaries as your average ‘Knock-Knock’ joke; like a good carpenter it has strong foundations which do nothing freaky like turn upside down or spontaneously combust. For every way in which Grant is the foppy haired dandy he transforms into at night, the film is kept interesting and paunchy by a stellar supporting cast; Rhys Ifans, while doing nothing to help the image of Welsh people in the media, is moronically hilarious.
3/5
3/5
Memento (2000)
- OR – Passionate Brain Sex.
Christopher Nolan enjoys making sweet passionate love to your cranium; he is clearly affectionate and thinking of your pleasure, but the whole time you are vaguely aware of how strange it is to have a penis in your brain. That’s Memento, Christopher Nolan’s figurative penis in your brain. The film is clearly smartly conceived – and not in the holier-than-thou way, more like ‘Gather round the fire children while I spin you a yarn’ – with the whole cast doing an effective job of keeping the film accessible and engaging in spite of the aforementioned brain love. Despite punching itself repeatedly in the face through a waterfall of plot-holes and inconsistencies – an inherent side-affect – the film is immensely enjoyable and keeps you guessing until the very last moment. Also, it is played backwards. Nifty.
4/5
Coraline (2009)
- OR – It is a good children’s film. NUFF’ SAID.
Children’s films are dying an awful, drawn-out, diseased and painful death. Apparently, all children want are poorly animated squeaky beasties barking out contrived one-liners while being taught that GOOD IS GOOD AND BAD IS BAD. Thankfully, Coraline waves this plague a big middle finger and makes an effort to actually be, y’know, good. Much like Nightmare Before Christmas, this is a film as delightfully creepy as it is charming, full of colourful well-developed characters – none of which feel wasted – exciting set-pieces and a tightly woven, well-paced narrative that never feels like its wallowing. All in all an incredible experience so stuffed with charm that it is guaranteed to leave you with a smile on your face and one question in your head: why aren’t more films like this?
5/5
Monsters (2010)
- OR – Big Tentacle Metaphors.
Made by a guy on his laptop for the sort of money congealed in James Cameron’s average turd, Monsters is a small revelation. Following an infestation of alien squid beasts from Hollywood’s old friend the Misunderstood Planet, a quintessential ‘guy n’ girl’ couple must traverse through a quarantined zone of Mexico back to America before the creatures start killing and shagging everything – even aliens have periods ladies and gents! As with any film centred on a couple the performances have to be strong and the leading pair here certainly fulfil their duty. With competence and an easy charm they lead both the relatively simple narrative and the audience on a journey that, while breaking no boundaries either in terms of romance or science fiction, is entertaining and engaging from start to finish.
3/5
Make sure to tune in next time for a series of reviews that are as out-of-date as they are pointless. Much love.
As a final note, please follow me on Twitter: @smariman. You'll get told of updates and new posts as soon as they happen as well as the odd desperate attempt at being funny, entertaining and likeable. Such is life.
God bless Britain:
As a final note, please follow me on Twitter: @smariman. You'll get told of updates and new posts as soon as they happen as well as the odd desperate attempt at being funny, entertaining and likeable. Such is life.
